I was tired.

I had gone straight from a stressful few weeks at home, work, and school to two weeks of chaos. First a tornado warning, then a long night on the road to a dark creepy campsite, then more long days traveling to Maine, where I carried coolers and climbed mountains and developed many blisters. Then back home, through a sweaty night in Albany, through a flash flood warning, to the apartment (also known as the hobbit hole), where I didn’t get to sleep until five in the morning. And that very day my family came to pick me up and take me to my grandparents!

My family (mom, dad, siblings, one aunt) lives in Florida. My mom’s family, however, lives in Ohio (where I now live). So, everyone came up to Ohio, and I had to show them around the apartment (piled with dishes and folding chairs and boxes of food half-unpacked). Then it was off to the farm, where my siblings dragged me around nonstop.

I don’t mean to say I hated any of this. I had the best summer vacation of anyone in the world, so ha. But I was tired. My feet were still sore and blistered from all the hiking I’d done. It was hot, and I’m severely introverted. My idea of a good time is curling up in my closet with the fairy lights on and reading a book or watching a good scifi show like The Expanse. Instead, I was climbing hay bales, searching for cats, and playing bingo. . . all great times, but couple that with everything I’d done the past week?

I needed a break.

Capture the Flag

My family had put together this epic competition, complete with team flags. Everyone was on a team, no excuses. Even if you didn’t play a game, you had to watch from the sidelines, wear your team bandanna, show some spirit.

I am not an action girl on a good day, but I got into it, starting with a rousing game of kickball. But the big event was capture the flag, played in the woods on my grandparents’ property. These woods are full of thorns, spiderwebs, and the odd cow skull. They’re also the type of woods that look dark and foreboding on the outside but are actually really nice on the inside.

Still, if I was going to play, I’d be running along uneven paths, jumping through thorny bushes, sweating and panting (did I mention it was hot?). I’d promised earlier that I’d play, but now that the time had come, I thought bed sounded really nice. The fans were running upstairs, I could put on some music, and all the kids would be out of the house and the immediate vacinity. No slamming doors, no one begging me to play. . . just me and Barns Courtney on my headphones.

But I’d promised, and anyway I knew I should get as much quality time as I could with my family.

Still, it was hot. And I didn’t want to twist my ankle. And I’d seen my siblings come out of the woods with their legs dripping blood.

Hey, I told myself. Get over it. You know how to avoid the thorns, you don’t have to run the whole time, and this is definitely not the hottest you’ve ever been. And you’ll feel like you’re missing out if you don’t play.

If nothing else, I could make a dash for the flag, get caught, and sit in jail. I’d still be a part of the game.

And, as it turned out, I got to sneak pretty far into enemy territory before I was caught, so yay me!

But as we played, a new emotion crept in.

Anxiety came to call.

I have quite a few younger brothers and sisters. Nine, as a matter of fact. Most of them are getting into their early teens, but there are three younger ones and my little cousin. All were playing the game. All were getting into it. Insults and team cheers echoed through the woods.

I felt my head pound, and it wasn’t because I’d been running around in the July heat.

Someone’s going to lose, I thought. There are little kids on both teams. Someone’s going to lose and be really sad.

I can’t stand it when people are disappointed. Just saying the word makes me feel like there’s a fly buzzing in my head. When I read books with pictures of little kids losing balloons or dropping ice cream cones, I invent scenarios in my head where everything is fixed and they live happily ever after. (Oddly enough, I am also someone who likes reading and writing adult tragedies. If someone wants to analyze that, feel free.)

I got caught and went to the log that served as jail. Instead of relaxing, though, the thoughts got worse. I wanted more than anything to drop out and run home, just so I wouldn’t have to be there when someone lost. Once again, I was caught up in my feelings.

The Lie of Feelings

Feelings are tricky things. They exist, but they’re also really dramatic and don’t necessarily reflect reality. They’re real, but they’re not always true.

A big part of why our lives are so miserable or stressful or what-have-you is, in my opinion, because we spend too much time listening to our feelings. I’m not saying to ignore your feelings altogether, but I’m posing the question: what happens when we let ourselves feel but stop acting on those feelings?

I knew something had to change in those woods. I wasn’t having fun anymore, and that wasn’t right. I was playing a game with people I loved and missed. I shouldn’t be wallowing in selfishness or, worse, in feelings that aren’t my responsibility.

God, I prayed, I’m feeling really stressed about this game. I don’t want people to be disappointed, and I feel like I need to do something to make sure no one’s upset. I know this isn’t my responsibility, it’s Yours, so I give it over to You. Please take these feelings from me, or help me to move on in spite of them. 

And He did. And yes, some people lost, and yes, I still wrestled with those feelings as the games went on. But even if I didn’t always feel like it, I knew the outcome wasn’t my responsibility. God had it under control, just like He knew I had more energy than I thought, at least enough to spend time with my family.

The Point:

I have a heart for people who feel like they’re not really living, whether it’s because anxiety is taking over their lives or their relationships with God have become lukewarm. I struggle with these things, and I think God has given me a voice to speak to people in similar places.

And let me tell you: listening to your feelings is not going to fix your mental health or repair your relationship with God.

I find that so interesting, because we talk about feelings a lot in relation to these topics. “I’ve been feeling depressed lately.” “I haven’t felt the presence of God.” In some cases, I think there’s a different definition being used–it’s like spider senses, where you can feel like something’s off even if you don’t know. But in other cases, we’re really just relying on our emotions to judge our circumstances.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned this summer, it’s that my physical or mental discomfort often doesn’t reflect reality. There is usually a lot more my body can do. Yeah, I was worn out from vacation, but not so worn out that I’d drop if I went kitten-hunting or haybale-climbing with my siblings. The same applies to, well, anything. I can pick up my Bible, even if I feel bored at the thought of reading it. I can pray, even when I feel like complaining. I can do my job, even when I feel like shutting down from stress. The list goes on.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.”

I want to challenge you to find something in your life that is dominated by feelings. Take those feelings captive and interrogate them. How much do they really reflect reality? (Do be cautious and don’t actually push yourself to the breaking point; we have feelings for a reason, and it’s good to have boundaries. I did run off and nap quite a few times during my visit.)

Ask God to give you descernment about your feelings. Don’t overthink them, but don’t be so quick to say, “Well, this isn’t fun, so I’m miserable.” Don’t be so quick to say, “This is fun, so I’m happy!” either! (See Proverbs 14:12-13.) Little steps lead to bigger things.

Also, two of my siblings did come out of the woods with scratched-up legs, and my brother had a few thorns in his neck from when he dived through a bush after the other team’s flag. I got a few scratches myself and feel quite accomplished. Should I feel accomplished? You decide. I’m not going to think too hard on this one.